How to break a heart
How it healed coming soon...
My ex husband said to me yesterday, ‘Claire, you choose not to settle, you choose the difficult path and that is going to bring challenges.”
I’ve had two incredible intimate relationships in my life and both are over.
The first I understand all the reasons why and I’m at peace with it.
The second, led to great healing and personal growth but as I grieve it, I see that I am grieving a story and not a reality.
Yet at the time it felt real.
I opened up all of myself in that relationship, to the point of self abandonment.
I failed to recognise my own worth. I made myself small. I wanted to be liked. I didn’t want to be rejected.
I failed to express my needs because I didn’t know what they were. I learnt as a child that my needs are not important. My voice is too much and I need to keep quiet.
As an adult I continued to do this because I learnt as a child that these are the behaviours that I need to do to receive love.
Yet, this led to the thing I feared the most, rejection and abandonment.
I am no longer a child.
I wasn’t in a relationship with my Dad.
I was relating to a man with deep self awareness.
A man determined to bring his shadows into the light.
A man with capacity to fully unconditionally love me, just for being me.
Just like the lottery winners who can’t energetically hold such abundance and lose it all. I did not have the capacity to hold such love. My body did not feel safe. So I lost it.
The most incredible relationship of my entire life has gone.
The grief consumes my entire body.
The tears as I type drip onto my keyboard.
I’m angry with my Dad for this pain but I forgive him for he knew no better. He loved me the only way he knew how.
So as 2023 draws to a close. I release what has been. I set an intention to call in a man who matches my values, who’s prepared to be brave, vulnerable and open.
A man who wants to commit to a girl so worthy of commitment and being seen.
A man who can tell me his own needs so that I am safe to express mine.
While I can’t see it now. I know that the future will bring a new happiness that feels so far out of reach today. My grief will pass and the relationship with the man I thought I’d see my days out with will just exist as a warm glow of gratitude in my heart.
This is how women grow.